


Crush

by pippinmctaggart



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Gen, Humor, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Pre-Slash, silliness, unnecessary touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-13
Updated: 2004-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-31 00:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3958012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pippinmctaggart/pseuds/pippinmctaggart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which there is shrubbery, unnecessary touching, and Elijah gets a surprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crush

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [](http://1420.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://1420.livejournal.com/)**1420** for the beta, as always.
> 
> Written for [this challenge](http://www.livejournal.com/community/lotrpschallenge/2707.html) for [](http://lotrpschallenge.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://lotrpschallenge.livejournal.com/)**lotrpschallenge**.
> 
> Also, this fic desperately needs a better title. Anyone?

"Psst--Billy… Oi, Boyd!"

Billy stopped, one foot on the steps to the trailer. He swiveled his head first one way, then the other, but couldn't see anyone. He shifted his weight, preparing to climb again.

"Psst! _Billy_. Don't go in!"

Billy put his foot back on the ground and turned to survey the area behind him. He now had an idea of what direction the sibilant voice was coming from, but still couldn't see anyone. "Who's there? Where are you?" he asked, his voice low, not wanting to give the game away before he knew what the game _was_.

A familiar-looking hand came up from behind a shrub off to Billy's left, and Billy could now see a flash of blue behind the branches. Glancing around him and finding the coast clear, he hurried over and dropped behind the greenery.

"Andy. What's going on?"

"Hey, Billy," Andy grinned, his feral, feline smile shining in the shadows where he crouched. "You nearly walked into the middle of a practical joke."

"Whose?"

"Sean's."

"Bean? Who is he getting, the elf?" Billy settled on his heels beside the other man, elbows almost touching.

"No, not Bean. Astin."

Billy goggled. " _Astin_? Astin's playing a prank?"

"Yep. Incredible, isn't it?"

"I don't quite believe it. Who's it on?" Billy raised his eyebrows.

"Our young Ringbearer. Seems Elijah called him 'old man' once too often."

Billy started to laugh, then tried to stifle it, afraid he'd be overheard. "Not before time, then. What's the joke?"

Andy quietly chuckled and nudged Billy familiarly, leaning against him a moment longer than necessary. Rolling his eyes, he said, "Look above the door."

Billy stretched up enough to see over the yellow-green leaves. Above the metal door to the makeup trailer was suspended a bucket. He dropped back down, snickering. "A bucket of water? That's the best he could come up with? Has he learned nothing yet?"

Andy leaned back against the tree behind him, balanced on the balls of his feet. Smiled as Billy copied the movement to rest next to him. "Well, it _is_ Sean--baby steps, yeah? We can educate him in the finer points of creative pranking later. But it's not just water."

Billy started smiling again, looking at Andy with anticipation. "What is it?"

"Some sort of slime the boys in the workshop cooked up for him. Christ, Billy, this is the most excruciatingly planned-out prank in the history of the world."

"What do you mean?"

"This has been in the works for a bloody _week_ ," Andy explained, chuckling, leaning forward with a hand on Billy's knee for balance, to check through the branches that no one was approaching. "Sean came up with the idea while we were filming Cirith Ungol, and promptly talked himself out of it--until Elijah called him 'Dad'. He drew up a ruddy _diagram_ for rigging that pail up there, and then had one of the techies check it to make sure it was safe. _Safe_ , Billy."

Billy was already beyond snickering and into giggling.

"So once he determined it was safe and he wasn't going to brain his beloved Frodo with a bucket, he convinced one of the carpenters to set it up while we were off filming. Needless to say, that contraption's up there so firmly it's never coming down now. That was three days ago."

Billy tried to stop laughing long enough to choke out, "And then?"

"That's when he had the slime conversation with someone at the workshop. Which of course necessitated a plan to make sure Elijah'd be out of his wig, and most of all, out of his costume. Sean was scared to death Ngila would be really narked and would take up his inseam, or something."

Billy was giggling helplessly. He sat abruptly on his rear in the dirt. Andy quickly grabbed him and pulled him close, hugging Billy's head against his chest to stifle the giggles.

"So earlier Dom dragged him into costuming to change. I don't know what story he came up with, considering Elijah likes to get his feet off first, but I bet whatever it was, it wasn't pretty. Now they're in the makeup trailer. I peeked earlier, the feet were off and they were starting on the wig. Sean and Dom will have to keep him from popping out for a fag until he's ready to go home. I hooked the bucket up there, and I have to make sure no innocent bystanders open the door." He released Billy and checked his watch. "Stick around. They should be out soon."

"Oh, I'm not going anywhere," Billy whispered with a gasp, wiping his streaming eyes.

"I've never seen someone take so much care over such a simple, silly little joke," Andy grinned.

"Too bad we don't have a camera," Billy managed breathlessly, still chuckling.

"Sean borrowed Orlando's. He's been filming Elijah almost constantly for the last two days so he wouldn't get suspicious at the camera now."

That set Billy off again. "Of course he has!"

"Shh!" Andy stopped Billy's laughter with a light hand over his lips. "Wait--I think--" A movement at the trailer caught his eye, and he gripped Billy around the shoulders, giving him a bit of a shake. "Door's opening."

They both scrambled to their knees, mindless of getting dirt on their trousers, and peered over the top of the shrub at the trailer door. Billy's shoulders were still shaking, although not a sound came from him.

Sure enough, the door started to open. Billy clutched at Andy's shoulder almost as hard as Andy's fingers were digging into his. All their meetings ended like this, Billy thought, more amused than anything else. Strong, hard touches that convinced both of them, over and over, that there was nothing more to this than affectionate mates.

The door closed again.

After a minute, Andy said, "Bugger. Someone else must--"

The door started to open again.

Billy made a strangled noise, desperately trying to stay quiet, his eyes glued on the bucket.

Andy whispered, "That's Elijah's jacket I can see, right? That's him, isn't it?"

Billy looked at the slightly open doorway, squinting to see better. Not trusting his voice, he nodded violently, knowing even if Andy didn't look, he'd feel it where their arms were pressed together.

Elijah pushed the door open a fraction further, all the while facing the interior of the trailer. The bucket teetered precariously, and Andy swore under his breath. "Fucking buggering hell--it's going to miss him!"

But Billy knew it wouldn't.

Elijah pushed the door wide and stepped out.

And was promptly covered from head to waist with thick, viscous, clinging purple muck.

He shrieked. High and loud and long, and Billy was so glad, because finally someone had screamed more like a girl than he had, and he knew he would never again have to sit through endless ribbing about it. It was Elijah's turn now.

He and Andy fell about laughing, loudly.

Sean stood in the doorway behind Elijah, camera raised and filming. Dom could be heard from within the trailer, howling fit to kill.

"What the fuck!" Elijah yelped, scraping the goo from his face. "Who fucking did this? Who do I fucking have to kill? Monaghan, get your ass out here!"

"Wasn't me, Elwood!" Dom hollered back.

Billy could hardly breathe for laughing. He leaned on Andy for support.

Elijah's purple hair was plastered to his purple face. "BOYD! I hear you, you skinny bastard! Get out here now!"

It took Billy a moment to be able to answer, and it took him two tries to pitch it loud enough to carry over to Elijah. "Sorry, Elwood. Wrong again!" He stood up, followed a second later by Andy, who was still laughing so hard he couldn't speak.

Elijah was having a hard time not giggling himself. He tried one last time. "Serkis. I should have known, you asshole. You're one fucked up dude, you know that? Come a little closer and laugh why don't you, huh?"

Andy couldn't respond. Just held his hands up and shook his head to protest his innocence.

Elijah shrilly said, "Well if it wasn't Dom, and it wasn't Billy, and it wasn't Andy, who the fuck was it?" He tried to shake the glop from his fingers, but it clung fast, wobbling like jelly.

Perfectly calmly, still with the camera up and apparently filming, Sean said, "That'll teach you to call me Dad, won't it?"

Elijah's jaw literally dropped. He slowly turned to look at Sean, whose lips were now quivering. " _You??_ "

"Yes, _son_ , it was me."

Billy and Andy collapsed on each other, too weak to stand upright. Dom staggered out of the doorway to lean against the railing. And Elijah started to chuckle.

And then laugh.

And then he leapt forward and engulfed Sean in a huge, sticky, goopy hug.

Andy stood up straight, still snickering. Punched Billy in the arm, not as hard as he usually did, but harder than he needed to. Billy wiped his eyes, shoved Andy with his shoulder, maintaining the contact a fraction too long. Then they separated to round the shrub and go congratulate Sean on a prank well played.

 

 


End file.
